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new stats [10 Jun 2006|06:10pm]

[ mood | distressed ]

ok so i just got home from a doctors appointment...here are my new stats:

5'3 1/2 (50th percentile for height...yayyy i grew an inch =])
106 lbs (25th percentile in weight..=[ boo..that made me upset =[)
BMI: 18.8 (=[ boo..im not even considered underweight..the underweight BMI is lower than 18.5 ughh)
but if i lose 2 lbs then my BMI is 18.4..which is considered underweight..im weight pretty much changes daily so yea

anyway..regarding my health..i got bad news...my doctor thinks that im anemic..i think i am too because i have all the symptoms..it makes sense..this rly sux..i hafta get bloodwork done...i hav such a deathly phobia of bloodwork its horrible...just tlkaing about it or thinking about it or seeing blood or needles makes me cry..pass out..stop breathing..all of that..so yea im pretty much freaking out a lot..i saw my therapist aftermy checkup & shes guna start working with me on getting over my phobia..its guna be along process & im soo scared..ugh im soo anxious now..anyway..im off to the beach with my best friends..including my best guy friend that im in love with along with my friends big brother that i have a thing with currently..this should be interesting..i need some support everyone!! is there anyone else that is anemic or going through something similar? thanks<3

2 [♥]

PTSD [10 Mar 2005|12:11am]

[ mood | worried ]

I think I may have PTSD. I've been to therapists to talk about my issues but its through a non-profit org and my therapists kept leaving to go on to better things and I never got to the recent things. I think I have it because I just have such horrible memories that feel like they have been branded into my brain. The therapists just say that I need to work through them but how? Seriously, I feel like Im haunted. I dont know how to make a cut so this isnt crazy long but I'll give an example: Its 12:15 right now and I can't sleep. This one memory has popped up out of no where and I cant stop thinking about it. It was 1995 (that would make me 15) and my Mom's birthday, my dad and her went to the local tavern to celebrate (any excuse to drink sends an alcoholic straight to the source) and as usual I end up watching my little brother who would be 7 at the time for a good 8 hours straight. They finally come home and I had forgotten to do the dishes. Of course my Dad got irrate, and started to yell. My mom said "I dont know why you always have to get on her ass, we owe her hundreds in babysitting and she has her whole life to look forward to doing dishes" he pushed her out of the way and she pushed him back and then he slapped her glasses off her face and start to hit her and said "Your just a fucking drunk like your father". I pushed my brother into my parents room to protect him and when I came back for the phone he had her on the floor punching her in the back (she has a herniated disk and a deteriorated vertabrae so he was going straight for the jugular) and screaming in her face spitting and punching. He liked to use his Corrections skills on us. So I grabbed a bat from inside the utility closet and went to hit him over the head. I just froze and cried, I couldnt hit someone I loved so how could he? so I hit the wall a few times telling him to stop and he didnt even flinch. I grabbed the phone and went into my parents room where my brother was crying on the bed. I called my friend Amy and asked her to call the police. I was just a kid, I didnt know whether to call 911 or directly. I didnt know if it was considered an emergancy. So she called and they came. By then the fighting stopped and my mom was just crying and trying to fix her glasses so she could see. The police interogated them and they both denied it all. But the police believed me and said to my mom "You shouldn't be mad at your daughter, she did the right thing" but of course they were pissed at me. My mom was actually pissed at me and she said she was embarrassed. I wasnt allowed to hang out with Amy because she was a bad influence and just a "dyke" my mom would call her. My dad wouldnt even look at me, but that was the last time he ever hit her (I think he realized that I was too old to just stand there and watch or listen throught the walls). He died in 98' and I doubt my brother remembers anything. He was 10 when he died and pretty much doesnt remember anything before 8 so he gets to go on and live a happy spoiled life while I suffer alone with my ghosts. This is just one insident. At least once a day I stop and stare off into space remembering horrible things said to me, done to me, or shit Ive just witnessed. What the fuck am I to do?! P.S. truly sorry its so long some instruction to make a cut would be awesome only if accompanied by advice to cope with this shit.

4 [♥]

Could It Be?! [05 Oct 2004|01:02pm]

I am starting to have the belief that I may be Bipolar. My mom feels the same way, she is a therapist. I am supposed to see my pdoc a week from Friday but am trying to get in THIS Friday. I have these periods of intense depression, but then periods of being fine.....but talking rapidly.....and I feel like I'm hypersexual. Crying spells. I don't know. Lately, it's been really hard for me. I've been intensely depressed.....crying all the time. I am so glad I am going home this weekend and also that my boyfriend is coming to visit me tomorrow......but anyway, I will keep you all posted. And, as of right now, I am only taking Klonopin for anxiety attacks.
3 [♥]

Hi....New [22 Aug 2004|04:59pm]

My name is Melissa and I'm 21 years old...I am diagnosed Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I was diagnosed when I was 16. Three psychiarists later, I have found one who treats me with respect and knows his shit. I was in therapy for three years...and am now starting to see the counselor at school. I am on Klonopin .5 mgs twice a day and Seroquel 50 mgs a day. I just thought I'd introduce myself and if anyone wants to add me as a friend, I could use some who understand what it's like to deal with something like this...
2 [♥]

[20 Aug 2004|02:24pm]

[ mood | crazy ]

Hi, I'm new here.

I'm 24 years old, and have been diagnosed with panic disorder, depression, and chronic fatigue syndrome. I've been on various medications and various different points of my life, but have yet to find one that helps me.

I originally was put on Zoloft for depression/anxiety, and after two years of feeling number than ever, I went to a new doctor. The new doctor gave me xanax to help me with my panic attacks, but really all it did was make me more depressed.
After that, I recently tried Wellbutrin XL, but I developed a twitch on it and decided against it.

I'm currently not taking any meds, and I'm so up and down it's scarey. There are days I don't want to live anymore. There are days I'm content. There are other days when I'm scared to leave my house or to talk to people in general. The phone rings and it makes my heart race and I hate it.

I really want to talk to a doctor about other alternatives,to help even me out a bit.. but I'm not sure what would help.

Does anyone have any similar symptoms, and possibly know of any meds that work for them? Maybe I would be able to discuss them with a doctor to see if they'd be right for me.


5 [♥]

[10 Aug 2004|05:05pm]

i need to rant. the other day i talked to my best friend for the first time ever about cutting. she cuts too. so today she gets online and calls me a hypocrite because i told her not to cut and now she knows i do so apparently that classifies me as a hypocrite. i really just didn't want her to do it but then i find out she had been doing it since like 7th grade like me so whatever.. then my other friend keeps asking me why i cut because "i have a perfect life" and "i don't need to" and "my reasons are stupid" and "i have every material item i could ever want" and wow, not once have i ever tried to understand what she's gone through so i really hate that she's trying to fucking understand me. yes, the main reason i cut is because i'm adopted. it upsets me more than anything and i don't want it to but it does. i could either sit up everynight crying or i could cut myself and be able to actually fall asleep. they weren't told by one of their cousins when they were three years old "you're not my real cousin" only to ask their mother what they meant and to find out that their adopted. that is seriously the last time i tell any of my friends anything. i realize that they care about me and whatever and that they don't want me to cut but seriously lecturing me because they think my reasons are "stupid" is, well, stupid. not to mention the fact that both of them cut. so way to go, me. i fucking quit.
1 [♥]

Oy, life [09 Aug 2004|10:03pm]

[ mood | tired ]

Well, I broke down last Thursday and tried to cut for the first time. I've thought about it dozens of times, but this time I actually got a knife from the kitchen and held it against my legs. It was really dull though, and I was too scared to really press on it, so there aren't even any marks on me. I called my boyfriend the next day, and he made me tell his mom. His mom told his dad. They told my parents.

If anybody has considered cutting, DON'T! Not only is it a horrible, addicting habit, it's probably more trouble than it's worth. My mom was about to take me to the emergency room, but thankfully she didn't. Instead, I have to see my doctor every week and I'm no longer allowed to be alone more long periods of time. It sucks.

But I'm okay. I'm gonna be okay.


[08 Aug 2004|09:14pm]

hey, i'm megan and i just joined. i've been cutting since i've been 13. i stopped for like a year but last year i started again being that my best friend started cutting, my grandpa died, and my boyfriend and i "took a break" and i don't know but that triggered it i guess. no one knows i cut except a few of my really close friends. i think some people at school have noticed but they haven't said anything. to be quite honest, i hate the fact that i cut. it makes me feel disgusting and guilty. if my parents ever found out what i do they'd probably lock me away because having a daughter that goes to therepy is absolutly out of the question. i'm their perfect little girl. i get good grades, have enough friends, and i've been doing ballet since i've been 3. there have been countless times when my friends have told me how i have "a perfect life" and whenever i hear it, i just want to cut myself more. i have suicidal thoughts and i hate it. i can't stand myself. i want to stop, but then again i don't want to. it really helps me deal with things so i don't have to talk about it to anyone. i'd feel stupid talking to my friends about it because A) they'd never talk to me again B) they'd just feel sorry for me and shit C) some of them are depressed and i'd just feel stupid talking to them about my life when they've gone through a lot more things then i have. i do want help, but i don't think i could handle it if people knew that i cut myself and throw up half the things that i eat. but whatever. i'll be ok. i'll just go on with empty smiles and forced laughs and nights that last forever. maybe i'm just overdramatic. maybe i'm insane. idk. i was just wondering if anyone can relate to any of this or whatever.. thanks <3
9 [♥]

[14 Jul 2004|04:07pm]

soni_chan is now a maintainer :)

Sorry folks...this is going to be another rant [11 Jul 2004|08:37pm]

[ mood | depressed ]

I really hate to do this, but the way my life is going I can either rant or cry. I'm all cried out and my usual ranting post is in Wyoming (drat you Swart!), so I need to let this out.

My friends are pissing me off so bad right now. A while back we had a sort of unofficial falling out over a boy. Part of it was my fault, part of it was their fault, but regardless, out of my group of friends, two are not speaking to me. This other girl I've remained somewhat close to, and we went to see Anchorman the other day (shamesless plug--it's a great movie).

The whole way home she talks about the two girls who aren't speaking to me, and how much fun they've been having, and how she and one girl are planning to visit the other at camp. I am unbelievably jealous and I hate myself so much.

I blame myself for so much of what has happened, but instances like this are why I don't want to make an effort to patch things up. I mean, one reason everyone was mad with me was that I spent all my time with my boyfriend. During all of June my friends had summer school, and since my boyfriend and I are going to be apart for most of this month, we spent a lot of time together (In my defense, many of our outings were senior parties that we were both invited to). Since he's been gone, I've used this as an opportunity to try to get closer to my friends.

So on Thursday night I go to a church festival with some non-estranged friends. I had a blast, and I was really hopeful that I would find balance--that things would get better between my friends and I. Then on Friday night, my friend makes me feel so horrible about myself.
It makes me want to just give up this whole thing. But I'm so lonely. This is just so hopeless.

I went out driving with my dad today, and I kept thinking about how great it would be if I could take a road trip with my friends once I (finally) get my liscense. Then I would remember that they all hate me, and oh, by the way, they're going on their own road trip. Without me. Some of those girls I've known since first grade.

Thanks for your time guys. I just need to let this out.

OH! Random thouht...anybody who has been on Effexor, is nausea a side effect? I woke up this morning, and I just felt horrible. I wasn't able to eat until the afternoon.


I would like to apologize [11 Jul 2004|12:02pm]
[ mood | guilty ]

I would like to apologize to anyone I have offended because I have been without cutting for a while and it drives me nuts. I have also been trying to make myself happier since my mother will not get me any help. This really has been a hard trip for me and I will need to post this in the other community I am in as well but I have been very moody lately and I don't know what to do anymore because I'm losing it but I can't show it anymore. I thought I was facing my problems and such but maybe I have just been ignoring them, I don't know. I want to get better but I do not want to get better in a way where I have to hide my emotions but my mom refuses to accept that I have a problem to get me help and the councilers at school never did anything. I don't know. Maybe I'm just stupid and should just STFU. I've gotten rid of a friend that really hurt me and stuff and that feels a lot better but it still hurts of how many times she hurt me. I know I hurt her too but I have never ever told her to basically go kill herself like she has with me. I have like almost no one to talk to so I'm asking of these two communities, soyoungsosad and support_group help..and I'm sorry


join [11 Jul 2004|05:22am]


join inthecut_
6 [♥]

Ahhh [08 Jul 2004|11:28am]

[ mood | indifferent ]

I just need to rant...and I don't know what to say. It's the same old stuff. I'm just so sick of crying, so sick of worrying, so sick of this. I want to make this work, and it's kind of hard, Scratch that...for the month of July, it's damn near impossible.

Okay...maybe that's all. I don't know. I hurt.

1 [♥]

[26 Jun 2004|01:04pm]

[ mood | guilty ]

Hi, I'm new here. I'm depressed and I've been on Prozac since April.  Every time I see my psychiatrist she raises my dose, so I guess I haven't reached a high enough level yet.  Usually I can sort of control the things that go on in my life, and I guess that helps me feel a little less sad, because when I feel like things are out of my control, I kind of flip out and things are so much worse.  But two nights ago, I made a really big mistake when I was drunk, and now things are so out of my control.  I've betrayed a really good friend of mine, and I don't know if things between us are going to be okay again.  And even if they will be okay, I feel awful because things were great between us before and now it doesn't seem like things will be able to go back to the awesome level they were at, and I'll be lucky even if things become just okay again.

I love my friends very very much.  I honestly don't think that I would still be here without them.  I rely on them so much and I need them more than ANYTHING.  It's hard enough that we all leave for college in a couple of months, and I am going to lose their immediate presence and have to make a bunch of new friends, but I can't handle the thought of completely losing him NOW and not being able to fix things before he leaves.

I feel awful, and this is making me even more depressed than I already am.  I've talked to him about it, and I admitted my mistake, and he said he didn't really feel like he had a right to be mad, but at the same time he didn't sound like he was okay either.  I don't know what to do at this point, I don't know how to fix what I've done, and I don't know how to help myself feel happier again.  I need help... I need someone to talk to... I just don't know what to do...

Thanks for listening, sorry if I'm just rambling... <333 shannon

3 [♥]

[19 Jun 2004|10:05pm]

[ mood | depressed ]

Hi Everyone!
My name is Alyson, I have bipolar and I just found out my 7 year old son has it also. I can basically control mine under decent-good circumstances, but now my son is acting out really bad and I am having a hard time. I have him seeing a doc for this but he isn't on medication yet and since he is so young he can't control his feelings. This is affecting my whole family and I don't know what to do anymore. I've tried everything with him, but I can't seem to help him, not even a little. This is so bad, especially because I have another child who is only two, and scared of her brother and I'm pregnant and due in 9 weeks. If anyone has any advice on anything I can do to help this situation before I can get him some meds or something, please let me know. This whole thing makes me want to give up.

5 [♥]

Help..? [07 Jun 2004|12:53pm]

I'd rather remain anonymous on most of my information, but I'm fifteen, and I'm from Connecticut. I don't really know where to start, but all I know is that I need help. I may not need it bad, but I definately need advice or someone to talk to that is not going to treat me like a patient. I cut. From depression, like most people. I started two years ago, but for awhile I had 'control' over it. I didn't do much, barely drawing blood at first. Then things went downhill, my parents got a divorce, I was having trouble finding out who I was. I was switching schools, and now that I'm in a different school, things have just seem to get worst. I know a handful of people who cut, and they care, but they most likely have their own problems to worry about. I just need someone to talk to. I'm only fifteen, and maybe I'm not suppose to have such strong feelings(I dont love them) for someone. Their even new to me, and when something happens to them I get thrown right back into depression. Everything and anything sends me right back into depression, and I resort to cutting. I hate it, and I want it stop. I just want everything to stop. Maybe I'm just whining, or maybe people or right I'm looking for attention. But they just don't understand, there are like three people that understand. Three people have threatened to do something if I keep it up, other people I think are starting to suspect. It's just hard, I don't know what to do. I end up crying my self to sleep most nights, if I make it there. I have insomnia, I don't sleep much anymore. Oh, man, I just need some advice or something..
Sorry for wasting your time,
3 [♥]

[04 Jun 2004|09:57am]

support group

please copy this image and create it as a link. Post it anywhere, we need promotion

or use this
[a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/support_group"][img src="http://img8.photobucket.com/albums/v26/special_k/banner.jpg" alt="support group" border="0" /][/a]

replace all the "[ ]" with "< >"
please ^^ <3
2 [♥]

[02 Jun 2004|10:10am]

[ mood | tired ]

Thought that I should post in here, seeing as I haven't done in ages. In general I've been doing pretty well. I've been quite busy. But there are times when i get knocked over so easily. And I just breakdown and take everything on board. I'm doing ok for now, just really kind of sensitive to anything emotional.


Hi everyone [15 May 2004|09:23pm]

[ mood | optimistic ]

I am NEW :) I am 34 the mom of two teenagers. I have bipolar and ADHD ( with a touch of PTSD on the side)My 13 year old son has Bipolar and ADHD my 16 year old daughter has depression. We are all on meds and doing pretty good. I also work in a mental hospital on the children's unit. Mental illness is hard but it is not all bad. I like to say my kids and I put the fun in dysfunctional!!!!

1 [♥]

Newbie Here...this might be a double post (my computer is being mean) [13 May 2004|10:31pm]
[ mood | confused ]

My name is Katie, and I was diagnosed with clinical depression today. (wow, that felt kind of AA-like).

I feel really alone right now, and I'm really scared. My doctor is sending me to a psychologist, and they might put me on medication. I'm really opposed to that (not sure why). I mean, if I start taking a medication, it feels like I'm just tricking myself into feeling good. Or, is the medicine going to make me feel void of all feelings? I hate that I've been so sad lately, but I love my emotions...it's who I am. "Highly emotional and loud"

I keep feeling angry about this...or in denial. It's only been about nine hours, and I'm going crazy.

What makes me really mad is that I was getting better on my own before my physical today.

Well, over and out all.

3 [♥]

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