t_dizzi1980 (t_dizzi1980) wrote in support_group,
t_dizzi1980
t_dizzi1980
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PTSD

I think I may have PTSD. I've been to therapists to talk about my issues but its through a non-profit org and my therapists kept leaving to go on to better things and I never got to the recent things. I think I have it because I just have such horrible memories that feel like they have been branded into my brain. The therapists just say that I need to work through them but how? Seriously, I feel like Im haunted. I dont know how to make a cut so this isnt crazy long but I'll give an example: Its 12:15 right now and I can't sleep. This one memory has popped up out of no where and I cant stop thinking about it. It was 1995 (that would make me 15) and my Mom's birthday, my dad and her went to the local tavern to celebrate (any excuse to drink sends an alcoholic straight to the source) and as usual I end up watching my little brother who would be 7 at the time for a good 8 hours straight. They finally come home and I had forgotten to do the dishes. Of course my Dad got irrate, and started to yell. My mom said "I dont know why you always have to get on her ass, we owe her hundreds in babysitting and she has her whole life to look forward to doing dishes" he pushed her out of the way and she pushed him back and then he slapped her glasses off her face and start to hit her and said "Your just a fucking drunk like your father". I pushed my brother into my parents room to protect him and when I came back for the phone he had her on the floor punching her in the back (she has a herniated disk and a deteriorated vertabrae so he was going straight for the jugular) and screaming in her face spitting and punching. He liked to use his Corrections skills on us. So I grabbed a bat from inside the utility closet and went to hit him over the head. I just froze and cried, I couldnt hit someone I loved so how could he? so I hit the wall a few times telling him to stop and he didnt even flinch. I grabbed the phone and went into my parents room where my brother was crying on the bed. I called my friend Amy and asked her to call the police. I was just a kid, I didnt know whether to call 911 or directly. I didnt know if it was considered an emergancy. So she called and they came. By then the fighting stopped and my mom was just crying and trying to fix her glasses so she could see. The police interogated them and they both denied it all. But the police believed me and said to my mom "You shouldn't be mad at your daughter, she did the right thing" but of course they were pissed at me. My mom was actually pissed at me and she said she was embarrassed. I wasnt allowed to hang out with Amy because she was a bad influence and just a "dyke" my mom would call her. My dad wouldnt even look at me, but that was the last time he ever hit her (I think he realized that I was too old to just stand there and watch or listen throught the walls). He died in 98' and I doubt my brother remembers anything. He was 10 when he died and pretty much doesnt remember anything before 8 so he gets to go on and live a happy spoiled life while I suffer alone with my ghosts. This is just one insident. At least once a day I stop and stare off into space remembering horrible things said to me, done to me, or shit Ive just witnessed. What the fuck am I to do?! P.S. truly sorry its so long some instruction to make a cut would be awesome only if accompanied by advice to cope with this shit.
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